Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
