I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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