So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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