Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
