I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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