i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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