My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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