So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
