his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
