made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Randomize
