Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
