So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
