my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
