you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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