Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
