i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
