I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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