Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
