She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
And then he peed in my hair
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