alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
