Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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