there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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