At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
