16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Sorry about my life...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
