Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
