You're my little dorito
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
