It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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