His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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