pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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