this beer tastes like vomit already
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
