He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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