seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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