I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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