***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
