I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
