What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
