Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize