i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
