is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
