Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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