the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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