Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
