were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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