he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
