I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
