She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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