she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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