remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I have demons in me.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
