The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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