I accidentally had phone sex last night
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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