I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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