If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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