Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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