sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize