mondays should just be called national damage control day
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
