: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
