he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
