I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
