Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
