If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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