If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
