Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
