Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
